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21 Tips to Stop Being a People
For some, saying "yes" is a habit; for other people, "it's almost an addiction which makes them feel like they need to be needed." This makes them feel important and like they're "contributing to another person's life."
People-pleasers yearn for outside validation. Thus, at the core, people-pleasers lack confidence, she said.
They worry how others will view them when they say no. "People don't want to be seen as lazy, uncaring, selfish or totally egocentric," Newman said. They fear "they'll be disliked and cut from the group," be it friends,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], family or co-workers.
What many people-pleasers don't realize is that people-pleasing might have serious risks. Not only does it put a lot of pressure and stress on you,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], Newman said, but "essentially you may make yourself sick from doing an excessive amount of." If you're overcommitted, you probably get less sleep and obtain more anxious and upset. You're also "depleting your energy resources." "In the worst case scenario, you'll awaken and discover yourself depressed, because you're on such overload because you possibly can't do it all," she said.
Here is a slew of strategies to help you stop being a people-pleaser and finally say no.
People-pleasers often seem like they need to say yes when someone asks for their help. Remember that you always have an option to say no,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], Newman said.
Knowing your priorities and values can help you place the brakes on people-pleasing. You know when you feel at ease saying no thanks or saying yes. Think about, "What are the most important things to me?" Newman suggested.
Whenever someone asks you for any favor, it's perfectly OK to say that you will have to consider it. This gives the opportunity to consider if you are able to commit to helping them. (Also important is to ask the individual for information about the commitment.)
Newman suggested wondering: "How stressful is this likely to be? Have i got time to get this done? What can i give up? How pressured can i feel? Am I going to be upset with this person who's asking,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]?"
Wondering these questions is essential because, as Newman said, very often after you have agreed or helped out, you're left wondering, "What was I thinking?" I neither possess the time nor the expertise to help out.
When the person needs a solution immediately, "your automatic answer could be no,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]," Newman said. That's because "Once you say yes, you're stuck." By saying no thanks automatically, "you leave yourself an option" to say yes later if you have realized that you're available. And "you've also gotten them back your must-do or don't-want list."
Should you choose agree to help out, "limit your time and effort frame," Newman said. Consider if you're being manipulated.
Sometimes, individuals are clearly taking advantage of you, therefore it is important to look out for manipulators and flatterers, Newman said. How can you spot them? She said,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], "Often the folks who flatter you will say [statements like], 'Oh you're so good at baking cakes,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], would you create a cake for my child's birthday?' or 'I don't know how to put this bookcase together, but you're so handy, can you help me out?'"
A classic line is "Nobody performs this better than you do," she said. Also,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], these folks "will either coax you into doing something or try to let you know what your availability is or what your time and effort frame is." Basically,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], before very long, they create the decision for you.
Figure out a mantra you can say to you to ultimately prevent you people-pleasing. It may be also a visual as easy as a large "No" flashing whenever a certain friend who "can always talk you into something" approaches you, Newman said.
"The first no to anyone is definitely the hardest," Newman said. But when you overcome that first bump,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], "you is going to be well on your way to getting from the yes treadmill." Also, remember that you're saying no for good reasons. "You get time for yourself and for the people you really want to assist," she said.
Some people initially think that being assertive means "stepping all over people," Tillman said. Instead,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], she explained that "assertiveness is really about connection."
Utilizing an empathic assertion "means that you simply place yourself in the other person's shoes while you assert yourself,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]," Tillman said. Which means you allow the person know that you realize where they're coming from,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], but unfortunately, you cannot help. "People have to feel heard and understood," and this is really a respectful way of asserting yourself and saying no.
When asserting yourself,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], Tillman suggested wondering,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], "Is it really worthwhile?" It should be not worthwhile to tell your manager about his annoying habit, but it is worthwhile to tell your friend that you simply can't do lunch because you're super busy.
10. Don't give a litany of excuses.
It's tempting to want to protect your decision to express no to someone so they understand your reasoning. But this actually backfires. Based on Newman, "As soon as you start explaining, you allow your partner plenty of wiggle room to return and say, 'Oh, it can be done later,' 'You can adjust your schedule' or 'That's less essential as what I'm asking.'"
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